


Has the moon lost her memory

by mabomanji



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, M/M, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-19
Updated: 2014-07-19
Packaged: 2018-02-09 13:28:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1984707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mabomanji/pseuds/mabomanji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky feels stuffed in Steve's appartment and has enough of Steve's caring, he yells and goes to his room only to have a little bit of a crisis involving memories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Has the moon lost her memory

« Look i get it, you're worried about me but this is going too far, i don't need a babysitter ok ? »

He pushes him and gets out of the room as fast as he can. It's been like that since he came back. He thought it would be ok to stay with him, that his memories would easily come back. But it's a failure through and through. Not only does he remember nothing from his past but living with Steve has become a nightmare. He's always asking about his health, always questionning about what he did during the day and where he's going everytime he tries to get out.

This nice appartment soon became one weird prison for him. He feels stress and pressure though he's not on any mission, he won't be for a long time since nobody trusts him anyway. Maybe he needs a little bit of action, he has done nothing but read about history that he missed and spend time on the internet trying to understand what makes people rave about it. He still doesn't understand the use of more than half of what is considered cool on the net.

He's pacing even now, even in his own room, a room prepared for him by Steve when he moved in the appartment. It's quite nice and simple, bare just like he needed it to be. Over the weeks though it got filled with newspapers, clothes and various books all scattered on the floor or on the little desk he has. He doesn't need much, he spends all his time in the living room. He can't stay alone in his room for too long, it's worse than being stuck with Steve. And that's the worst part cause he thought being rescued by his so called old friend was bad enough but there's worse.

And don't get him started on the nightmares, he never thought he could feel things and live them so vividly inside a dream. Well nightmare, the word is perfect for what he experiences night after night, sweat pouring on his skin and hands gripping the sheets. It's burning the inside of his eyes long after he is wide awake and reassured by Steve's presence and soft strokes of his hands on his head and back. Yeah for that Steve is quite perfect he must admit. At least being annoying and kind of spying on him has its uses sometimes. Well often. Ok every fucking night.

Come to think of it Steve is there every night with reassuring words and gestures, he looks like he never tires of it. But he must wake in the middle of the night every day, try and make Bucky sleep again and only then can he go back to his room. And every morning he looks so dashing and fresh he hates him so much. He wonders how he manages that, does he have a special moisturizer or something like the men are applying on their faces nowadays. Well he'd like one too. He had troubles with his eyes before but now it's not just the stealth make up but his very own sleepy eyes that are so dark.

Anyway, why did he end up here and pacing like a mad man ? Ah yes, Steve being over protective. Again. Well ok the last time he tried to drive the car alone he crashed it cause he had a panic attack but you can't keep him from getting out altogether just for one accident ! It's not like he will collapse every time he gets out. What is happening to his breath now ? Why can't he breathe normally ? He is so tired of it all, of being so helpless, that's the thing, he's fucking helpless. An assassin helpless like a child, who would believe it ? Oh wait actually Steve believes it. Damn him and damn this appartment, it's way too small and...

He falls down to the floor in a loud bump, breath altered and small, weird how it reminds him of another guy who used to breathe like that. Well a dude with a heavy asthma problem, he was so tiny and held onto him with so much strength.

Steve is already at his side, checking him, asking him thousands of questions he doesn't want to answer. But the pressing voice is really tiring so he tries his best and croacks a suitable answer.

« Just... leave me... stop... pestering me... »

But Steve doesn't go away and instead he takes Bucky in his strong arms and lifts him up against his chest. Suddenly his smell and touch remind Bucky of this little dude he used to help climb the stairs to his house. He was blonde just like Steve. And he had blue fierce eyes, even when facing brutes that were kicking his ass, he always looked fierce, stronger than his body. Well now that he was looking at Steve the resemblance was uncanny. What a weird feeling ! Now everything got mixed up, his memories and the present. What was his brain trying to tell him ?

Steve lowers him gently on his bed, sits next to him and starts stroking his chest to ease the muscles and try to make him breathe normally again.

Well he knew the technique he had used it so often on... on... him ?

Him ?

The little blonde guy, with his crooked smile ? The tiny little thing that could be blown off the ground everytime there was some wind ? The one he cuddled up with during winters and helped breathing during summer ?

He reaches out and grips Steve's shoulder with his metal arm, making him wince without even noticing it. His brain was working in all directions, flashes of memories coming back to him, or so they seemed. Kids playing in the streets, running after the cars, trying to catch a used newspaper to read comics. The endless games in the park, the quiet nights at Steve's home when he couldn't leave him alone fighting for his breath. The mornings where everything looked perfect, healthy and new, full of hope and fun. The sun dancing on their bodies when they went swimming in the river all day. The joy filling his heart, the worry eating up at him once the night arrived.

« ...that's when the crisis were stronger » he says out loud without even noticing he's talking

Steve stops massaging him and asks a little surprised « what did you say ? »

Bucky finally loosens his grip on Steve's shoulder and looks him straight in the eyes.

« At night, when you were young, the crisis were stronger. I had to hold you and massage you so you could finally fall asleep. »

Steve is startled, he lets his mouth open up in bewilderment « You remember ? »

« It's coming back all at once but i think i remember our childhood together. I remember you Steve, trying everywhere to become a soldier and they rejected you all the time. You were so sad, it broke my heart »

He pauses to breathe, still focused on the images his brain is letting him see finally. How could he ever forget Steve ? He's been with him all his life, when he was a bad boy, when he tried stupid things, Steve was always there to help him out of a tricky situation or just try and stop him. He was always there even when Bucky rejected him, too infatuated with a new girl, forgetting how great this friendship was.

And now he was still here, caring for him, with his big blue eyes riveted on his, never letting go.

Except one time they had to let go.

« I lost you... I wish i could have taken your hand on that train but i couldn't... i was so broken when i lent on the earth after ricocheting on many rocks... »

His eyes are lost again in his memories, now sadness and frustration getting hold of him when he eventually relives the experiment Zola did on him, his new arm, a machine, a freak. And then everything is blank, dark, odorless, noiseless, everything is gone until... until

« That guy on the bridge... » He hooks Steve's gaze again « it was you ! I knew you, deep down i knew ! And i asked them... » He clenches his teeth, pressing his lips too strongly together, tilting his head on the side. « They erased you again... »

He then turns his head, sits down properly and just gently squeezes Steve's arm, using it as an anchor without even realizing it. Everything until the fall and his return is clearer now, he is complete again, or at least as complete as he can be without becoming mad.

His head drops a little, his eyes catch the light reflecting on his metal arm and he follows it until he arrives to Steve's arm and realises he's still there, still waiting patiently or is he ? He lifts his head and catches the look of anguish in Steve's eyes. Yeah patiently my ass, he's fighting the urge to explode that's for sure and he needs to find the right words to make him know it's alright again.

He clears his throat a little bit and press a little more his hand on Steve's arm, making him feel it's important though he already knows it.

« I'm with you... » Steve's eyes widen « … til the end of the line…

\- Bucky ? You remember me ? » His voice is so tiny and scared it breaks his heart

« Of course i remember you Steve ! I remember everything ! And gosh i was such a jerk to you lately i'm so sorry ! You helped me so many times and i repaid you with an attitude... » He can't finish what he was saying because Steve's arms are around him in a second and pull him close in a huge hug he doesn't want to escape from ever.


End file.
